Trying to help but not helping

Well... Getting back on my two feet in typing is just weird... Well, before staring typing this out, I did some read back and I found that this was and still is a problem I have with people.

I have been struggling with myself and the people around me to change and to become a better person or al least someone that's worth others' attention. I appreciate friendship more than a lot of things in life as I think that there's nothing or perhaps to say that no one is more important for me to think about aside from my family members.

Being in a society built of various cultures and foundations is not an easy task. Being in an alienated place, where things have to be figured out most of the time is not that encouraging. But as time goes by, it does. At least to what I think it still is.

I have been in this Uni for almost 2 years now. Some acquaintances became friends, some didn't. However, the fear and the confusion of the foundation of the sole meaning of "friendship" stands on what grounds is always present. Sometimes, I might think to myself whether will the friendship last if I do so and so or has already done so and so. Questions like, did I start on the correct foot? What was the first impression I gave? What to do if someone has bad thoughts on you?

Back to the title, am I really doing something, making a change in somebody's life to be better? Is this "help" so call necessary or "helpful"? Am I raising my friendship status bar by "helping" them or throwing it down the drain?

I really wish that genuinenity was just the end of it. Genuinely helping someone from a person's perspective isn't enough. The term of "help" comes from more that one angle of thought before one could offer "help" to others. The simplicity of "help" does not really solve the issue, but somehow might hurt others or even shy others away from you.

I think I'm currently on the verge of bending a stick to its maximum potential. A slight wrong move might just break the whole relationship. At this fragile stage, I really hope I can really do something meaningful in changing or at least make that person realize that what I did and still doing is to "help" rather than to "hurt". But as I've said, it's not that easy as it is. It is more than just helping in a way that I am comfortable with all these while.

I guess I didn't really change much? Or did I? I don't know. All I know is typing this now and reading what I've typed ages ago is the same. Nothing seemed to change except the person that I'm currently dealing with.

I really hope that I can "help" this particular one that I've been with a very long time since my first few steps in my Uni life till today. Changing that person's perception of me would be impossible as it has way passed the time of making the first impression. But how am I supposed to make things better now. I am not saying that the person hates me or at least not that I know of, but at least we are still together in doing many things. But will this last? Will things fall apart in the near future? Really still looking for answers.

Change is everyone's greatest enemy as stepping out of the comfort zone is never an easy task. For me, it is extremely hard for me to change how I "help" people and what's worse is how people perceive my "help" in general.

I really dislike the stereotype that I am better, and of course I can achieve more than anyone because of the level I'm at. Yes, language can be a barrier, but confidence and courage is another thing. You can be well-verse in a language, but still suck in presenting or generally talking and conversing if you have no courage and the confidence in using the language. I think that courage exceeds the need for good grammar or good language command. Unfortunately, we don't think alike.

I just hope that one day, just one day that the line drawn across us identifying who's better and who's not will be less obvious and classifying yourself as "useless" and "not worthy" to be in the particular social group will be erased. Identifying one's strength and using it correctly and appropriately is a must in any given society. You should not let others outshine you or at least have a sense of consciousness in reminding yourself and have faith that you are not useless and contributions should be credited to you and not to me or anyone else in the group.

Food. Eat. Fat.

I've been spending my weeks lately on food. Most of it was planing how and when to eat. I know I have a close affection for food. But never to my imagination I would be that close. Everyone eats. Eat to survive, eat to enjoy or eat to celebrate. We practically can't survive without it. Come to think of it, I never really put account to food that I've tasted and tried. In this link, I will explain how I talk more about food than anything else recently. 

http://remmygohfood.blogspot.com/2012/10/how-all-these-craze-started.html

So after Chun Sing's return. I ate a lot. More than I could ever imagine. I've never spend as much time and money on food LIKE EVER on planning, hunting, exploring, tasting and enjoying food until now. It's fascinating especially for a person who is on diet. Well, diet plan has to be set a side for my fatacious dream, eating. 

Currently I've been food walking for almost 2 weeks. I've been to more than 30 different eat outs in that very short period of time eating and eating. It's been amazing how I can eat so uncontrolabally and have that less exercise and guilt. This is all thanks to my supportive friends or "fat devil" as I named them "encouraged" me to fall into their trap of the indulgence of food and that ultimate crave in me. They have been sweet talking me to eat before I start stuffing myself with food. Their topic of conversation has grown to non other than food, food and food. This had so called "motivated" me to eat and to submerge myself into the "FAT ZONE" of my entire life. To continue or not to, it's a question in my head right now. However, I have great friends who play their parts well in tormenting me with nothing else but FOOD. 

...and I Thought Posts Would Be Better...

Hey guys....wonder if anyone still reads this blog. Erm... I have been lacking in various sectors, from various sectors I've been addictively doing. For instance, blogging, making covers or even playing Tetris. I've been emotionally disturbed I would say and mentally tired by all the frust and agony I have to go through for a result that is not so compensating. I really tried my best and put in my greatest effort in getting into Uni. However I failed even for the second attempt. I've countless sleepless night, going in and out of school, seeking information and  hope everywhere, asking everyone for help and guidance and search high and low for answers. I just couldn't find one. 

       I miss the feeling of being happy. I miss the feeling of stress free and I miss the feeling of worry-free. I just worry too much. every time when results or something, just anything to do with my damn future in the varsity, my heart will beat enormously fast and anxiety level is at the max! I just can't handle all this. I pretend to stay strong or at least stay okay when I'm around others. Somehow, I know I can't control much afterall. I can't really control these feelings running inside of me and act as okay as possible coz I'm not.

       Mum. Mum is the one who sees through all pains hidden within the tears of my eye. She witness the agony and the hurt deep within my soul. She's the one who went through all highs and lows with me trying her best to make me feel a lil' better day by day. I really appreciate having a loving, understandable and an UNFAILING tolerance with me. I'm a person that can't overwrite things after a good sleep, not even after a time frame but it has to be after the whole experience that I faced. I thank God that I've got still somebody by my side supporting me by my side all this while, lending me a shoulder when I cry and giving me a hug when I stumbled and trembled. I will always love you!

      

       

       

       

 

My recent mind, heart and soul shattering moment.

yeah. I know I haven't been writing lately... as in like 3 months from my last post. Life has been tough... VERY EXTREMELY TOUGH. As you should know, my STPM results were out last couple of months ago and its rather disappointing. NO. It's more than that. it's just horrible to face the fact that the efforts I've poured in and that's what I get in return. If you wanna know, I got F for my maths, a subject where I studied the crap out of it going for 3 different tuitions and a group study with a friend and I got a result similar to a person not studying it or just similar to a person who sleeps throughout the test. The rest was just fine... B+ for Economics and Pengajian Am: subjects which I'm aiming for an A. But it's still on a satisfactory state, well at least. My 4th subject, a subject where I actually thought of dropping it at first and failed tremendously for a number of school base tests. To my surprise, I got an A- for it. For a moment I thought, am I being trolled or something? Who wouldn't?

I went through a very hard period after the reviewing the result slip on my hands. I find it so hard to go through it. So hard to imagine that I actually got such results. I cried, I threw temper, I drove recklessly, I thought of committing suicide, that's just meaningless towards life. I lose all faith in myself, in the education system and worst of all I lose faith in the Lord and lose myself. Was not myself for a good few weeks before time dissolves everything. So life moves on as there's always a constant hope that the final verdict is not out yet. The offer letter to UNIs has yet to be released. So, there's still hope. That's the only thing that kept me sane and happy. One more thing that I've done within my results period was photostating certs after certs going to school day after day to get all of them certified, asked the world for opinions and guidelines, sent my maths paper for remark and also ask a simple WHY towards every part of failure in life. Well, I can't say I get nothing at all from it. All I can say was, relationship with my teachers were better, relationship with close classmates to be closer, relationship with mum to be stronger and of course bonding and entrusting decisions to the Lord more than ever.

Happiness have proved itself to be short. July 13th struck a big mark on my calender. The date where the final verdict (and so I thought) is out. It's a NO still. I was telling myself, I've expected it. I can be calm, I can be strong for myself. There's no need to have shallow tear glands, there's no need to be upset about. I thought I was ready for it. But I was wrong. I kept it for less than a day in me and I start bursting out in tears. I asked my friend out for lunch to celebrate her belated birthday initially went into a tear shedding and consoling session where my friend had to listen to all my crap. I told myself not to cry in front of mum as I thought it would be harder for her to accept the results and thinking that she will have more problems to handle than my tears. Screw that, I poured out. Up to this point, LIFE has proved to be TOUGH. Tougher than I've ever imagined. Always told myself a white lie, "the more you work hard, the greater the returns are!" but it seemed to be a fairytale after all. Undeniably, I've worked hard, harder than anyone that got in government Uni and I'm still stuck, half-hanging here. What did I do to be in this terrible state? Did I not work hard enough? Did I not study enough? Did I actually do anything that wrong to fail in Maths and fail enrolling myself in a public Uni? Questions after questions appearing in my head asking God "what's this?!". Yeah, a very good line to answer them: "That sucks! too bad for you". 

The More You Give, Even More You'll Recieve.

It didn't really come to my senses until I post my previous post. I've been increasing my weekly donations as I've started working and also started going for 2 churches again.... I'm nit saying I gave a lot. But consider way more than the last time. WHY? hmm... I simply donate more because I'm earning my own bucks and I think it's time for me to contribute more back to the church. the another factor is, my church, OMPH is currently asking a RM400,000 donation for church and chapel renovations. More to it is the Youth service I've been joining recently, HTS. I've been joining this church knowing people there for about 4-5 years since I joined the Free Tuition Ministry. They have been providing me the space, the teacher and tons of encouragements and uphold me in prayers throughout my study years. I told myself, it's time to give back, in any ways... through donations, providing the energy and also anything which I think I'm capable of.

During one of the Youth service, their youth leader, Sherene shared that we should actually give at least 10% of our monthly wage as God had been providing and still providing unfailingly for us. Come to think of it, 10%, not to much to ask. Not to much for a person like me with practically no one to support and nothing to owe the bank.

That's why I do believe in "The More You Give, The more You'll Receive" as God will always provide and bless those who give more to him!



love,remmygoh

Accepting More Jobs.

As you guys out there know, I'm a teacher... For those who don't, I'M A TEACHER! LOL right? following my family's footsteps! 3 generations of teacher in both Goh&Liew family. One day, my boss called me and asked me to teach another 2 more hours in town and give me a 4 hour salary... Well, it's kinda a good deal and I kinda like the terms lah... So accepted. one simple task... Science for Form 1 and 2. Not a really hard task since I'm teaching Form1 Science in Malay and Form2 & 3 Science. This is a greater deal as he offered me more pay per hour. Aiya... was thinking I have all the time in the world... Why not?

Then comes the next offer. My Aunt. She asked me whether am I interested to do her assignments for $$ MONEY! hahah... RM150 for 1500 words. That simply means 10cents per word! "WHAT THE?" I was telling myself... the better part is, it's an english assignment and out of 1500 words, 500 words are adapted from 2 different related articles. That's it! The best part yet to come is: it is equivalent to 30 hours of working in the tuition centre! Thats like 1 assignment = 4 Days of work! WHAT THE!!!!!!! hahaha... so hope that doing assignments are way simpler than teaching...=) and thank you Lord for providing me this experience and opportunity!





love,remmygoh

Adele - Someone like You Cover.

love, remmygoh

SPM pulak.

Today is the day where SPM results are out. Directly 2weeks after STPM results. Feelings of it had already faded I guess... Not to say completely. But yeah. Mostly are already gone. Saw the smile on my colleagues faces.... Bright fat smile and still have that question running in my head asking why can't I share some of the happiness. Well I actually did come to think of it. All of them did very well. Almost all of them were top in their various schools. Both SPM colleagues got straight As and well my friend, Wern Jun on the other hand got 4 flat and another STPM colleague got 3As1B. Very proud of all of them. Well felt the pinch when I looked at myself having the worst results among them. Kinda sad for a moment but better than before. Not so much of the HURT felt. Just kinda sad I was not one of them. In GOD I believe! I know YOU know the best for me!!! Thank you for participating in my life!:)

love, remmygoh

Faith.

Faith, is not an easy word to say, what more possessing it. I consider myself not having a strong faith. I see a lot of my friends having stronger faith, in fact very strong faith in the lord they beleieve in. I often ask myself the same question: why am I not a strong Christian? A lot of my friends accepted christ much later in life where I actually been introduced to Christ since birth. Mum gave me Jesus the very begining and told me the good values in Christianity the very moment I know how to read. It's the greatest thing on earth that my mum gave me, trust me. However, I'm often confused with the church I'm supposed to attend and how deep my faith is to him. I'm still lost at a lot of times. I'm not sure whether I'm strong enough not to doubt HIM when things failed or faithful enough to thank HIM in everything that he had provided me.

Well, I heard people saying strong Christians read the bible a lot but sincerely, I'm not one. I hate reading. I hate flipping through boring pages and reading thousands of words with no end in a page. I find no joy in any of it even a normal story book or magazines. I hate anything that is related to reading. Luckily I don't hate typing which is basically what I'm doing now. Besides, I don't do daily prayer (except prayer before meal) and quiet time or even fasting. I don't!! So what's make me a Christian? By just praying before meal and go for a regular church service which is only an hour a week? I'm not sure! I may sound like I'm strong in HIM, but I'm actually not. I do thank HIM in things that he had provide for me, but there are a lot of times which I doubt his presence when things in life didn't work out quite well. I do ask HIM why things happened countlessly and question every fault in my life. I am just. It strong enough to say: I'LL LEAVE EVERYTHING TO THE LORD AND HE'LL KNOW THE BEST FOR ME AS HE WILL NEVER FIRSAKE ME! Just not faithfull enough to leave everything onto the hands of the Lord. Seriously hope that I can someday. Just one at when I think ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN HIM. I hope that I'll continue to grow in HIM and not being a christian by name sake, but a strong, devoted and faithful follower of CHRIST.

The recent STPM results really strike me. Deep. I finally realize my faith in HIM when I start questioning HIM and doubting HIM. The biggest impact was when mum question my faith. Mum asked "remmy, do you actually trust in the LORD?" and "remmy, maybe GOD wants you to learn a very hard lesson in life" and "your results were like this maybe because you didn't trust the LORD 100% and give your 100% to him but just plain study pointlessly everyday". The last one really strike me. Maybe GOD put me to the test for the very last time in my national exam life. Maybe GOD really wants me to learn how to have stronger faulty in him. I really hope before I talk about impacting the life of others, I can impact my own and start again as a born again Christian.

I start by talking to the LORD more and leave things and troubles off my hands to his undoutfully. And also to go to church every week without dragging my feet there and to start Youth in one of my friend's church. I just hope that I will continue to have faith in HIM no matter what happens!;)



love, remmygoh

Why?

This leaves a big scare in me. I never felt so bad in life till this day. Greatest heartbreak ever. More painful than a stitch more hurtful then being cheated. It's receiving results like this. Never expected it to be that bad. Like SERIOUSLY BAD! I can't really except the fact coz I did study all this while, in fact I put extra efforts in it by going for 3 different tuition classes and a group study with my friend. This is the very 1st time I failed in my test. Almost felt like I failed in my life. How I wished I was the one smiling holding my results, how I wish I was the one who jumped up and down with my results, how I wish I was the one hugging every teacher telling them how greatful I am, how I wished I was the one who called the whole world to spread the good news, how I wish I was the one who took all the group photos I want and chat with my friends after taking my results, how I wish I was not the one who weep while driving, almost got into an accident on the road, cried when I faced my results slip, cried when I saw my mum, cried when I reflect back everything and cry myself to sleep. If only I could wish.
Tons of people around me told me that everything is gonna be okay. I'm sure they worried as they say that. They often think of the solution when they put a pact on my back. They often cry when they saw me crying. Why? Why faults that I've made has made everyone around me to suffer a long? Why? So many questions had not be answered. Why?

The worst is, in the end having people telling me that is because of the subject that I choose. Never actually thought of this point. Always thought that I've work hard enough to come this far and this should not be what I get. However, I didn't actually come to my senses and ask myself this, "why did you even actually choose this subject in the first place?". I did not realized that it was my fault all this time. Didn't realize it WAS MY DAMN BLOODY FAULT. Yes. I blame it all to myself and yes, I am the sole reason I'm in this crappy position now and yes, I troubled everyone around me. Many have warned me about this subject. MANY. mum, teachers, friends and seniors. All these are coming back to my head. I finally remembered every single one that came to me to tell me not to take Maths. After all these advices I still hold on to a stubborn decision which is to take this subject. It killed my time, my attention and my interest in Maths.

I never EVER failed in final test before. EVER! seriously never once in my life time. So, what should I do? I cried. Yes, I cried a lot. Too much that I couldn't count the number of times. But luckily I was filled with my job to fill my time. Even though I don't have the mood to teach but at least it kinda de-stress me for awhile. Work it's the only time when I think of my results less. I don't know what future is there. I seriously have no idea. I just hope that it's not too bad. I come this far not to just be a beggar as they are no chooser. I came this far to at least choose a course that I like in U and stand proud with my humble results. But I guess it's nothing but a fairy tale. No more than that.



love, remmygoh