Saturday, July 19, 2014

Trying to help but not helping

Well... Getting back on my two feet in typing is just weird... Well, before staring typing this out, I did some read back and I found that this was and still is a problem I have with people.

I have been struggling with myself and the people around me to change and to become a better person or al least someone that's worth others' attention. I appreciate friendship more than a lot of things in life as I think that there's nothing or perhaps to say that no one is more important for me to think about aside from my family members.

Being in a society built of various cultures and foundations is not an easy task. Being in an alienated place, where things have to be figured out most of the time is not that encouraging. But as time goes by, it does. At least to what I think it still is.

I have been in this Uni for almost 2 years now. Some acquaintances became friends, some didn't. However, the fear and the confusion of the foundation of the sole meaning of "friendship" stands on what grounds is always present. Sometimes, I might think to myself whether will the friendship last if I do so and so or has already done so and so. Questions like, did I start on the correct foot? What was the first impression I gave? What to do if someone has bad thoughts on you?

Back to the title, am I really doing something, making a change in somebody's life to be better? Is this "help" so call necessary or "helpful"? Am I raising my friendship status bar by "helping" them or throwing it down the drain?

I really wish that genuinenity was just the end of it. Genuinely helping someone from a person's perspective isn't enough. The term of "help" comes from more that one angle of thought before one could offer "help" to others. The simplicity of "help" does not really solve the issue, but somehow might hurt others or even shy others away from you.

I think I'm currently on the verge of bending a stick to its maximum potential. A slight wrong move might just break the whole relationship. At this fragile stage, I really hope I can really do something meaningful in changing or at least make that person realize that what I did and still doing is to "help" rather than to "hurt". But as I've said, it's not that easy as it is. It is more than just helping in a way that I am comfortable with all these while.

I guess I didn't really change much? Or did I? I don't know. All I know is typing this now and reading what I've typed ages ago is the same. Nothing seemed to change except the person that I'm currently dealing with.

I really hope that I can "help" this particular one that I've been with a very long time since my first few steps in my Uni life till today. Changing that person's perception of me would be impossible as it has way passed the time of making the first impression. But how am I supposed to make things better now. I am not saying that the person hates me or at least not that I know of, but at least we are still together in doing many things. But will this last? Will things fall apart in the near future? Really still looking for answers.

Change is everyone's greatest enemy as stepping out of the comfort zone is never an easy task. For me, it is extremely hard for me to change how I "help" people and what's worse is how people perceive my "help" in general.

I really dislike the stereotype that I am better, and of course I can achieve more than anyone because of the level I'm at. Yes, language can be a barrier, but confidence and courage is another thing. You can be well-verse in a language, but still suck in presenting or generally talking and conversing if you have no courage and the confidence in using the language. I think that courage exceeds the need for good grammar or good language command. Unfortunately, we don't think alike.

I just hope that one day, just one day that the line drawn across us identifying who's better and who's not will be less obvious and classifying yourself as "useless" and "not worthy" to be in the particular social group will be erased. Identifying one's strength and using it correctly and appropriately is a must in any given society. You should not let others outshine you or at least have a sense of consciousness in reminding yourself and have faith that you are not useless and contributions should be credited to you and not to me or anyone else in the group.

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