Guilt

Sigh.... Where do I start? This morning... I was sleepng.. Happily dreaming away. List ing to the ringtone ringing and ringing again, one after another. It was just a rhyme in my sleep. I heard it, unconsciously in my dream but never wake up from it. I kinda woke up. Blur. Looked around as usual. The phone rang again. Picked up. Patrina, my neighbor was talking fast with a shaky and panicky voice. Couldn't catch her quite well. Didn't know what she's trying to tell me. When I come to my senses, I realized she was trying to tell me that my lil princess is stuck in between my gate and crying out of pain and worst of all bleeding. Without much dressing, I went down as quickly as possible. Rush open the door and run my way out of the house seeing her hanging there with blood all over the floor. I was helpless and so sad and guilty when I saw my other neighbors looking at my dog helplessly too. How can everyone on the street know what's going on except me? Because I overslept? I went back in again running into my room to get hold my phone and only realized the numbers of missed call I had and did not work a single thing on me.

I ran down trying to look for my vet's number. Couldn't find it and searched over the cabinets in the house to recall the name card given to us before.

I called mum while helping Snowpuff out of the gate. She was literally hanging in between the hole of my gate. All I can do from then is just carry her out of it. But she was in so much pain and when she groans I cried a tear deep within. I tried to release her from inside the house. Failed, so I let her go the other way out. Finally she's out. She's still in a lot of pain and loss a whole lot of blood. I left her with Patrina outside and ran upstairs again to my room to change as quickly as possible without my teeth brushed or my hair combed.

Carry Snowpuff up the car after setting newspapers at the back of my car seat. She's in deep pain. She was licking her legs clean as I drove Patrina and myself to my regular vet. Went in the shop having the fear that the vet is not around. Luckily he's there. I told him that it was an emergency and carried Snowpuff down the car.

Set her on the surgical table and Ben the vet preparing alcohol to wash of her wound. I had to hold on to my dog. Pressing her down looking at her teary eyes telling her it's okay. But I know the pain she's experiencing is great and Ben have no choice but to tranquilize her to ease up the process. He told me that everything is going to be fine and he's going to send her back to my house when everything is done.

Besides what I was doing, I had to worry about my grandma at the same time as I'm responsible to bring her to the hospital for a thorough blood check. I was so lost and that deep guilt of mine just drove me crazy! I was so helpless. I went home, bath as quickly as possible and get dressed to take my grandma out. Bydaway, my grandma is not staying with me and I had to rush my way there because the appointment is at 11 and yes... 11 was the time I left home to my grandma's place. Before I start the car, Ben called and said Puff is alright. She's still sleeping and it's best to take her home before she wakes up. Yeah. I kinda understand. I want so much for my dog to wake up in my arms. But the situation just forced me not to. After the exit at north south highway. I was going to the direction of the hospital rather than the direction to my grandma's place. I was lost and sad as I drove. Was blaming myself for everything that had happened. Was so guilty that my dog bleed because I overslept was so so so damn mad with myself for not picking up the phone or realized all the barking outside my house and loosen Snowpuff before she actually start bleeding.

Luckily, after a thorough check, no bones are fractured, no major injury to this old stubborn dog of mine. Just a lil tissue tear on one of her hind leg. Blessed? No.... I could stop all of it if I picked up the phone earlier and helped her out of the gate. I didn't. I slept and slept and slept. She was stucked there for almost 45 mins. And it took me less than 5 mins to help her out. If I would helped her out earlier, she wouldn't be in so much pain, no blood would be shed bit however lesson would not be learnt. Two of the very important lesson in her and my life. For her, stop trying her luck and stop being such a stubborn bitch for once. As for me, I learned not to sleep late because of FB games and YouTube and seriously be more responsive to phone calls. What if there's fire, what if there are some other emergency lurking right outside my house and is needed for my help. I can't just sleep there as though nothing happened. I seriously gotta get over myself over this. It's BAD HUGE MISTAKE!!

Enough said. Guilty still.


love, remmygoh