My recent mind, heart and soul shattering moment.

yeah. I know I haven't been writing lately... as in like 3 months from my last post. Life has been tough... VERY EXTREMELY TOUGH. As you should know, my STPM results were out last couple of months ago and its rather disappointing. NO. It's more than that. it's just horrible to face the fact that the efforts I've poured in and that's what I get in return. If you wanna know, I got F for my maths, a subject where I studied the crap out of it going for 3 different tuitions and a group study with a friend and I got a result similar to a person not studying it or just similar to a person who sleeps throughout the test. The rest was just fine... B+ for Economics and Pengajian Am: subjects which I'm aiming for an A. But it's still on a satisfactory state, well at least. My 4th subject, a subject where I actually thought of dropping it at first and failed tremendously for a number of school base tests. To my surprise, I got an A- for it. For a moment I thought, am I being trolled or something? Who wouldn't?

I went through a very hard period after the reviewing the result slip on my hands. I find it so hard to go through it. So hard to imagine that I actually got such results. I cried, I threw temper, I drove recklessly, I thought of committing suicide, that's just meaningless towards life. I lose all faith in myself, in the education system and worst of all I lose faith in the Lord and lose myself. Was not myself for a good few weeks before time dissolves everything. So life moves on as there's always a constant hope that the final verdict is not out yet. The offer letter to UNIs has yet to be released. So, there's still hope. That's the only thing that kept me sane and happy. One more thing that I've done within my results period was photostating certs after certs going to school day after day to get all of them certified, asked the world for opinions and guidelines, sent my maths paper for remark and also ask a simple WHY towards every part of failure in life. Well, I can't say I get nothing at all from it. All I can say was, relationship with my teachers were better, relationship with close classmates to be closer, relationship with mum to be stronger and of course bonding and entrusting decisions to the Lord more than ever.

Happiness have proved itself to be short. July 13th struck a big mark on my calender. The date where the final verdict (and so I thought) is out. It's a NO still. I was telling myself, I've expected it. I can be calm, I can be strong for myself. There's no need to have shallow tear glands, there's no need to be upset about. I thought I was ready for it. But I was wrong. I kept it for less than a day in me and I start bursting out in tears. I asked my friend out for lunch to celebrate her belated birthday initially went into a tear shedding and consoling session where my friend had to listen to all my crap. I told myself not to cry in front of mum as I thought it would be harder for her to accept the results and thinking that she will have more problems to handle than my tears. Screw that, I poured out. Up to this point, LIFE has proved to be TOUGH. Tougher than I've ever imagined. Always told myself a white lie, "the more you work hard, the greater the returns are!" but it seemed to be a fairytale after all. Undeniably, I've worked hard, harder than anyone that got in government Uni and I'm still stuck, half-hanging here. What did I do to be in this terrible state? Did I not work hard enough? Did I not study enough? Did I actually do anything that wrong to fail in Maths and fail enrolling myself in a public Uni? Questions after questions appearing in my head asking God "what's this?!". Yeah, a very good line to answer them: "That sucks! too bad for you".