Why?

This leaves a big scare in me. I never felt so bad in life till this day. Greatest heartbreak ever. More painful than a stitch more hurtful then being cheated. It's receiving results like this. Never expected it to be that bad. Like SERIOUSLY BAD! I can't really except the fact coz I did study all this while, in fact I put extra efforts in it by going for 3 different tuition classes and a group study with my friend. This is the very 1st time I failed in my test. Almost felt like I failed in my life. How I wished I was the one smiling holding my results, how I wish I was the one who jumped up and down with my results, how I wish I was the one hugging every teacher telling them how greatful I am, how I wished I was the one who called the whole world to spread the good news, how I wish I was the one who took all the group photos I want and chat with my friends after taking my results, how I wish I was not the one who weep while driving, almost got into an accident on the road, cried when I faced my results slip, cried when I saw my mum, cried when I reflect back everything and cry myself to sleep. If only I could wish.
Tons of people around me told me that everything is gonna be okay. I'm sure they worried as they say that. They often think of the solution when they put a pact on my back. They often cry when they saw me crying. Why? Why faults that I've made has made everyone around me to suffer a long? Why? So many questions had not be answered. Why?

The worst is, in the end having people telling me that is because of the subject that I choose. Never actually thought of this point. Always thought that I've work hard enough to come this far and this should not be what I get. However, I didn't actually come to my senses and ask myself this, "why did you even actually choose this subject in the first place?". I did not realized that it was my fault all this time. Didn't realize it WAS MY DAMN BLOODY FAULT. Yes. I blame it all to myself and yes, I am the sole reason I'm in this crappy position now and yes, I troubled everyone around me. Many have warned me about this subject. MANY. mum, teachers, friends and seniors. All these are coming back to my head. I finally remembered every single one that came to me to tell me not to take Maths. After all these advices I still hold on to a stubborn decision which is to take this subject. It killed my time, my attention and my interest in Maths.

I never EVER failed in final test before. EVER! seriously never once in my life time. So, what should I do? I cried. Yes, I cried a lot. Too much that I couldn't count the number of times. But luckily I was filled with my job to fill my time. Even though I don't have the mood to teach but at least it kinda de-stress me for awhile. Work it's the only time when I think of my results less. I don't know what future is there. I seriously have no idea. I just hope that it's not too bad. I come this far not to just be a beggar as they are no chooser. I came this far to at least choose a course that I like in U and stand proud with my humble results. But I guess it's nothing but a fairy tale. No more than that.



love, remmygoh