My recent mind, heart and soul shattering moment.

yeah. I know I haven't been writing lately... as in like 3 months from my last post. Life has been tough... VERY EXTREMELY TOUGH. As you should know, my STPM results were out last couple of months ago and its rather disappointing. NO. It's more than that. it's just horrible to face the fact that the efforts I've poured in and that's what I get in return. If you wanna know, I got F for my maths, a subject where I studied the crap out of it going for 3 different tuitions and a group study with a friend and I got a result similar to a person not studying it or just similar to a person who sleeps throughout the test. The rest was just fine... B+ for Economics and Pengajian Am: subjects which I'm aiming for an A. But it's still on a satisfactory state, well at least. My 4th subject, a subject where I actually thought of dropping it at first and failed tremendously for a number of school base tests. To my surprise, I got an A- for it. For a moment I thought, am I being trolled or something? Who wouldn't?

I went through a very hard period after the reviewing the result slip on my hands. I find it so hard to go through it. So hard to imagine that I actually got such results. I cried, I threw temper, I drove recklessly, I thought of committing suicide, that's just meaningless towards life. I lose all faith in myself, in the education system and worst of all I lose faith in the Lord and lose myself. Was not myself for a good few weeks before time dissolves everything. So life moves on as there's always a constant hope that the final verdict is not out yet. The offer letter to UNIs has yet to be released. So, there's still hope. That's the only thing that kept me sane and happy. One more thing that I've done within my results period was photostating certs after certs going to school day after day to get all of them certified, asked the world for opinions and guidelines, sent my maths paper for remark and also ask a simple WHY towards every part of failure in life. Well, I can't say I get nothing at all from it. All I can say was, relationship with my teachers were better, relationship with close classmates to be closer, relationship with mum to be stronger and of course bonding and entrusting decisions to the Lord more than ever.

Happiness have proved itself to be short. July 13th struck a big mark on my calender. The date where the final verdict (and so I thought) is out. It's a NO still. I was telling myself, I've expected it. I can be calm, I can be strong for myself. There's no need to have shallow tear glands, there's no need to be upset about. I thought I was ready for it. But I was wrong. I kept it for less than a day in me and I start bursting out in tears. I asked my friend out for lunch to celebrate her belated birthday initially went into a tear shedding and consoling session where my friend had to listen to all my crap. I told myself not to cry in front of mum as I thought it would be harder for her to accept the results and thinking that she will have more problems to handle than my tears. Screw that, I poured out. Up to this point, LIFE has proved to be TOUGH. Tougher than I've ever imagined. Always told myself a white lie, "the more you work hard, the greater the returns are!" but it seemed to be a fairytale after all. Undeniably, I've worked hard, harder than anyone that got in government Uni and I'm still stuck, half-hanging here. What did I do to be in this terrible state? Did I not work hard enough? Did I not study enough? Did I actually do anything that wrong to fail in Maths and fail enrolling myself in a public Uni? Questions after questions appearing in my head asking God "what's this?!". Yeah, a very good line to answer them: "That sucks! too bad for you". 

The More You Give, Even More You'll Recieve.

It didn't really come to my senses until I post my previous post. I've been increasing my weekly donations as I've started working and also started going for 2 churches again.... I'm nit saying I gave a lot. But consider way more than the last time. WHY? hmm... I simply donate more because I'm earning my own bucks and I think it's time for me to contribute more back to the church. the another factor is, my church, OMPH is currently asking a RM400,000 donation for church and chapel renovations. More to it is the Youth service I've been joining recently, HTS. I've been joining this church knowing people there for about 4-5 years since I joined the Free Tuition Ministry. They have been providing me the space, the teacher and tons of encouragements and uphold me in prayers throughout my study years. I told myself, it's time to give back, in any ways... through donations, providing the energy and also anything which I think I'm capable of.

During one of the Youth service, their youth leader, Sherene shared that we should actually give at least 10% of our monthly wage as God had been providing and still providing unfailingly for us. Come to think of it, 10%, not to much to ask. Not to much for a person like me with practically no one to support and nothing to owe the bank.

That's why I do believe in "The More You Give, The more You'll Receive" as God will always provide and bless those who give more to him!



love,remmygoh

Accepting More Jobs.

As you guys out there know, I'm a teacher... For those who don't, I'M A TEACHER! LOL right? following my family's footsteps! 3 generations of teacher in both Goh&Liew family. One day, my boss called me and asked me to teach another 2 more hours in town and give me a 4 hour salary... Well, it's kinda a good deal and I kinda like the terms lah... So accepted. one simple task... Science for Form 1 and 2. Not a really hard task since I'm teaching Form1 Science in Malay and Form2 & 3 Science. This is a greater deal as he offered me more pay per hour. Aiya... was thinking I have all the time in the world... Why not?

Then comes the next offer. My Aunt. She asked me whether am I interested to do her assignments for $$ MONEY! hahah... RM150 for 1500 words. That simply means 10cents per word! "WHAT THE?" I was telling myself... the better part is, it's an english assignment and out of 1500 words, 500 words are adapted from 2 different related articles. That's it! The best part yet to come is: it is equivalent to 30 hours of working in the tuition centre! Thats like 1 assignment = 4 Days of work! WHAT THE!!!!!!! hahaha... so hope that doing assignments are way simpler than teaching...=) and thank you Lord for providing me this experience and opportunity!





love,remmygoh

Adele - Someone like You Cover.

love, remmygoh

SPM pulak.

Today is the day where SPM results are out. Directly 2weeks after STPM results. Feelings of it had already faded I guess... Not to say completely. But yeah. Mostly are already gone. Saw the smile on my colleagues faces.... Bright fat smile and still have that question running in my head asking why can't I share some of the happiness. Well I actually did come to think of it. All of them did very well. Almost all of them were top in their various schools. Both SPM colleagues got straight As and well my friend, Wern Jun on the other hand got 4 flat and another STPM colleague got 3As1B. Very proud of all of them. Well felt the pinch when I looked at myself having the worst results among them. Kinda sad for a moment but better than before. Not so much of the HURT felt. Just kinda sad I was not one of them. In GOD I believe! I know YOU know the best for me!!! Thank you for participating in my life!:)

love, remmygoh

Faith.

Faith, is not an easy word to say, what more possessing it. I consider myself not having a strong faith. I see a lot of my friends having stronger faith, in fact very strong faith in the lord they beleieve in. I often ask myself the same question: why am I not a strong Christian? A lot of my friends accepted christ much later in life where I actually been introduced to Christ since birth. Mum gave me Jesus the very begining and told me the good values in Christianity the very moment I know how to read. It's the greatest thing on earth that my mum gave me, trust me. However, I'm often confused with the church I'm supposed to attend and how deep my faith is to him. I'm still lost at a lot of times. I'm not sure whether I'm strong enough not to doubt HIM when things failed or faithful enough to thank HIM in everything that he had provided me.

Well, I heard people saying strong Christians read the bible a lot but sincerely, I'm not one. I hate reading. I hate flipping through boring pages and reading thousands of words with no end in a page. I find no joy in any of it even a normal story book or magazines. I hate anything that is related to reading. Luckily I don't hate typing which is basically what I'm doing now. Besides, I don't do daily prayer (except prayer before meal) and quiet time or even fasting. I don't!! So what's make me a Christian? By just praying before meal and go for a regular church service which is only an hour a week? I'm not sure! I may sound like I'm strong in HIM, but I'm actually not. I do thank HIM in things that he had provide for me, but there are a lot of times which I doubt his presence when things in life didn't work out quite well. I do ask HIM why things happened countlessly and question every fault in my life. I am just. It strong enough to say: I'LL LEAVE EVERYTHING TO THE LORD AND HE'LL KNOW THE BEST FOR ME AS HE WILL NEVER FIRSAKE ME! Just not faithfull enough to leave everything onto the hands of the Lord. Seriously hope that I can someday. Just one at when I think ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN HIM. I hope that I'll continue to grow in HIM and not being a christian by name sake, but a strong, devoted and faithful follower of CHRIST.

The recent STPM results really strike me. Deep. I finally realize my faith in HIM when I start questioning HIM and doubting HIM. The biggest impact was when mum question my faith. Mum asked "remmy, do you actually trust in the LORD?" and "remmy, maybe GOD wants you to learn a very hard lesson in life" and "your results were like this maybe because you didn't trust the LORD 100% and give your 100% to him but just plain study pointlessly everyday". The last one really strike me. Maybe GOD put me to the test for the very last time in my national exam life. Maybe GOD really wants me to learn how to have stronger faulty in him. I really hope before I talk about impacting the life of others, I can impact my own and start again as a born again Christian.

I start by talking to the LORD more and leave things and troubles off my hands to his undoutfully. And also to go to church every week without dragging my feet there and to start Youth in one of my friend's church. I just hope that I will continue to have faith in HIM no matter what happens!;)



love, remmygoh

Why?

This leaves a big scare in me. I never felt so bad in life till this day. Greatest heartbreak ever. More painful than a stitch more hurtful then being cheated. It's receiving results like this. Never expected it to be that bad. Like SERIOUSLY BAD! I can't really except the fact coz I did study all this while, in fact I put extra efforts in it by going for 3 different tuition classes and a group study with my friend. This is the very 1st time I failed in my test. Almost felt like I failed in my life. How I wished I was the one smiling holding my results, how I wish I was the one who jumped up and down with my results, how I wish I was the one hugging every teacher telling them how greatful I am, how I wished I was the one who called the whole world to spread the good news, how I wish I was the one who took all the group photos I want and chat with my friends after taking my results, how I wish I was not the one who weep while driving, almost got into an accident on the road, cried when I faced my results slip, cried when I saw my mum, cried when I reflect back everything and cry myself to sleep. If only I could wish.
Tons of people around me told me that everything is gonna be okay. I'm sure they worried as they say that. They often think of the solution when they put a pact on my back. They often cry when they saw me crying. Why? Why faults that I've made has made everyone around me to suffer a long? Why? So many questions had not be answered. Why?

The worst is, in the end having people telling me that is because of the subject that I choose. Never actually thought of this point. Always thought that I've work hard enough to come this far and this should not be what I get. However, I didn't actually come to my senses and ask myself this, "why did you even actually choose this subject in the first place?". I did not realized that it was my fault all this time. Didn't realize it WAS MY DAMN BLOODY FAULT. Yes. I blame it all to myself and yes, I am the sole reason I'm in this crappy position now and yes, I troubled everyone around me. Many have warned me about this subject. MANY. mum, teachers, friends and seniors. All these are coming back to my head. I finally remembered every single one that came to me to tell me not to take Maths. After all these advices I still hold on to a stubborn decision which is to take this subject. It killed my time, my attention and my interest in Maths.

I never EVER failed in final test before. EVER! seriously never once in my life time. So, what should I do? I cried. Yes, I cried a lot. Too much that I couldn't count the number of times. But luckily I was filled with my job to fill my time. Even though I don't have the mood to teach but at least it kinda de-stress me for awhile. Work it's the only time when I think of my results less. I don't know what future is there. I seriously have no idea. I just hope that it's not too bad. I come this far not to just be a beggar as they are no chooser. I came this far to at least choose a course that I like in U and stand proud with my humble results. But I guess it's nothing but a fairy tale. No more than that.



love, remmygoh

A lil' Dad's Life

Haha... It's my cousin sister, Sarah. Ive been appointed as her chauffeur and part time care taker. It's a tiring job as she's still a baby and bag to be monitered every single second. The first week, I've been sleepless when my aunt is still in the hospital. I barely sleep and the next thing I know my grandma waking me up to look after her. And at a point I was quite fed up coz I'm still not use to the freedom-less and Internet-less life. It's tortures at first and now.... It's the second week already. I feel so much better and comfortable with everything. I even make time to go home and come back to my grandma's house on and off. I always hear people saying "it's all worth it when you see that adorable thing in your arms". I do agree now! It's worth while when little Sarah smiled at me when I fetch her and carry her. She's so cute that all tiredness are laid off. Everytime when I fetch her, I feel like I'm a dad already even I'm not so into kids. She just make that moment of my life thinking how great if I had a child of my own. She is that adorable! Trust me! above all things, I just wish that I can see you grow up healthy and continue to grow. Just don't forget this AWESOME cousin of yours!

I'm Working!

I know it's a bit late to mention this but I really need a long rest before any job starts. I did not sit at home the whole time for the whole Dec till February lah. But kinda work part time teacher at a Tuition centre in Bercham. It's kinda far from my place actually. It took me nearly half an hour to get there (with jam) and to teach for 2 hours or more. Kinda waste petrol tho my mum is paying for it. The another solution is to stay at my grandma's which takes less than 5 mins to get there. It's just the long stories about everything, awesome for that get me FAT!, discipline sleeping hours, curfew at 10(which is after my job), freedom-less and worst of all, NO INTERNET!! I can't even post this right now! Have to wait till I get home during the weekends.

Well, coming back to this topic.... I'm kinda free if I don't have class. So free that I can actually type a few post and break few levels in a game and tons of time to day dream. Today, Tuesday is one of it. Only 2 hours in the morning and only 1 hour out of my full time from 2-10PM. It's kinda boring especially nearing end of the month coz most fees have been settled. Sigh.... Don't really know whether to regret choosing this job or thank God it was SO EASY!!!

Yet Again... MIA

Seriously have not been writing for a long time!! Too many things have passed. Too many. Had loads of good news down the way in my life and tons of bad news too. Recently, health is not in favor in my family. One after another. Have moving in and out of the hospital regularly since last year. Masked nurse and doctors are no longer an issue, long pointy needles are no longer a fear. More of a norm lately. Well, I always believe that everything happened for a reason. And this? Yes, I have no doubt in the Lord that all of this happened for a reason. Maybe a lesson to learn now or in the future. No one knows. I sincerely hope that all of this will have a turn over and we'll be all healthy in no time!:)